How to Handle Issues Surrounding an Alcoholic Spouse

One of the most devastating things associated with having an alcoholic relationship with a wife or husband is the issue of being second place to their drinking habits. When a spouse is in love with the party life more than they are with you, this can be a difficult situation to accept.

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I was married to a wife who had serious drinking problems and several narcotic addictions. Through attending thousands of support group meetings, over the past thirteen years, I've learned many ways of handling this type of situation.

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First, let me start by setting the foundation of what you are dealing with. An alcoholic from the time they get up until they fall asleep has one thing bombarding their thoughts; "where will I get a drink from today." Unfortunately for us, this means we take second place to their addiction. I would have loved it if my wife would have had those types of never-ending thoughts about me, but she did not. Many nights and days, I was left alone because she was out having a party time with whom ever she could find to join her.

The only way to handle this issue of being second place to the bottle is to accept the situation for what it is. You have no other choice in the matter.

Now if you can grasp the truth in what I have just shared, you can now move to the next step. This is where you begin to do things that you enjoy rather than waiting around for the alcoholic spouse to fulfill your need to be happy. I am not suggesting that you get involved with someone of the opposite sex. I am suggesting that you find things that you really enjoy doing without the alcoholic.

Here are a few suggestions:

Start attending support group meetings Volunteer to help others less fortunate than you Start a business that you have always wanted to do Rekindle some childhood hobbies Take up exercising Get a dog or cat Spend more time with friends

It really doesn't matter what you decide to do, just start doing things you enjoy. An alcoholic spouse will never be able to fulfill your need to be loved. They just do not have it in them to do so.

They are not responsible for your happiness either. Being happy is something that only you can make happen. We should never look to the actions of others to make us happy.

There are hundreds of issues surrounding a relationship with an alcoholic that we have no control over. The one thing we do have control over is how we respond to their behaviors. When we learn how to detach, set boundaries, love them without conditions and how to let go, then we can handle many situations we will encounter in our relationship with an alcoholic spouse.

Holding a marriage together takes work and when alcoholism is involved it requires overtime on our part. Many people have learned how to live happy lives even while their spouses are actively drinking. This is something that requires learning how to live with them from others who know how.

How to Handle Issues Surrounding an Alcoholic Spouse

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Alcoholic Wife - Tips on How to Handle Her First Alcohol Relapse

As a psychiatrist that treats a lot of addiction, I have worked with a number of families in which the husband is married to an alcoholic wife.

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K.J and his wife C.T. have been married for 4 years. They have a daughter that is 2 years old. Before their daughter was born, they went out to the clubs 5 nights a week. K.J. works at an electronics store and his wife stays home with their child. K.J. gave up the partying life style about 2 years ago as his work demands increased. Also, he said he felt a lot of responsibility for his wife and daughter and wanted to spend the evenings with his family. They both had a glass of wine or two with dinner. However, K.J. noticed his wife started to drink alcohol at lunch with friends which started spilling over into the afternoons.

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One day he announced to me that he had an alcoholic wife. He told me was the one to get up with their daughter at night when she felt sick or scared because his wife was too drunk to do this. He knew she was drinking in the afternoon and did not trust her to keep their toddler safe. It scared him to death that she took their daughter in the car after she had been drinking. She had very little patience with their 2 year old. Occasionally, she would even yell obscenities at K.J. and had pushed him physically on 2 separate occasions. They were not sexually intimate anymore.

He was at his wits end with her alcoholic behavior.

K.J. had confronted his wife many times about her alcohol problem, but she became very defensive. He finally arranged an alcohol intervention with a professional, her parents, and her 2 closest friends. She went into an alcohol treatment center for 30 days.

When she returned home, she went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings regularly and she seemed to be committed to her new sobriety. K.J. was cautiously optimistic and tried to be very supportive of her. After several months, she quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. 3 months later he came home late one evening and smelled alcohol on her breath. They had had a minor quarrel that morning. She denied drinking, but he knew she was lying. He came in to his appointment with me in a panic over her alcohol relapse.

Unfortunately, relapse is very common and does not necessarily mean the beginning of the end. People are especially vulnerable to relapse early on in their recovery. K.J. asked me what he could do to aid his alcoholic wife in her recovery.

I asked him to try not to be judgmental about her alcohol relapse and encourage her to go back to her Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. This would help her get back on track with her alcohol recovery. She had enjoyed the support she got from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings before her relapse and had also appreciated the several hour break away from her child.

I counseled K.J. to encourage her to communicate some of her frustrations so she would not bottle up so many of her feelings. (I brought her in for a session and helped them work through some issues they wanted to iron out about parenting). He also tried not to micromanage her every move as he had come to accept that he could not control her alcoholic recovery.

He learned not to view her alcohol relapse as a definite return to her alcoholic behavior. He and his wife both viewed the alcohol relapse as a signal for her to be more vigilant about certain feelings that surfaced that triggered alcohol relapse. Over time, C.J. learned to manage and avoid these triggers. She has been sober for three years.

Alcoholic Wife - Tips on How to Handle Her First Alcohol Relapse

ALCOHOLIC

Alcoholic Wife - Tips on How to Handle Her First Alcohol Relapse

As a psychiatrist that treats a lot of addiction, I have worked with a number of families in which the husband is married to an alcoholic wife.

alcoholics anonymous big book

K.J and his wife C.T. have been married for 4 years. They have a daughter that is 2 years old. Before their daughter was born, they went out to the clubs 5 nights a week. K.J. works at an electronics store and his wife stays home with their child. K.J. gave up the partying life style about 2 years ago as his work demands increased. Also, he said he felt a lot of responsibility for his wife and daughter and wanted to spend the evenings with his family. They both had a glass of wine or two with dinner. However, K.J. noticed his wife started to drink alcohol at lunch with friends which started spilling over into the afternoons.

ALCOHOLIC

One day he announced to me that he had an alcoholic wife. He told me was the one to get up with their daughter at night when she felt sick or scared because his wife was too drunk to do this. He knew she was drinking in the afternoon and did not trust her to keep their toddler safe. It scared him to death that she took their daughter in the car after she had been drinking. She had very little patience with their 2 year old. Occasionally, she would even yell obscenities at K.J. and had pushed him physically on 2 separate occasions. They were not sexually intimate anymore.

He was at his wits end with her alcoholic behavior.

K.J. had confronted his wife many times about her alcohol problem, but she became very defensive. He finally arranged an alcohol intervention with a professional, her parents, and her 2 closest friends. She went into an alcohol treatment center for 30 days.

When she returned home, she went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings regularly and she seemed to be committed to her new sobriety. K.J. was cautiously optimistic and tried to be very supportive of her. After several months, she quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. 3 months later he came home late one evening and smelled alcohol on her breath. They had had a minor quarrel that morning. She denied drinking, but he knew she was lying. He came in to his appointment with me in a panic over her alcohol relapse.

Unfortunately, relapse is very common and does not necessarily mean the beginning of the end. People are especially vulnerable to relapse early on in their recovery. K.J. asked me what he could do to aid his alcoholic wife in her recovery.

I asked him to try not to be judgmental about her alcohol relapse and encourage her to go back to her Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. This would help her get back on track with her alcohol recovery. She had enjoyed the support she got from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings before her relapse and had also appreciated the several hour break away from her child.

I counseled K.J. to encourage her to communicate some of her frustrations so she would not bottle up so many of her feelings. (I brought her in for a session and helped them work through some issues they wanted to iron out about parenting). He also tried not to micromanage her every move as he had come to accept that he could not control her alcoholic recovery.

He learned not to view her alcohol relapse as a definite return to her alcoholic behavior. He and his wife both viewed the alcohol relapse as a signal for her to be more vigilant about certain feelings that surfaced that triggered alcohol relapse. Over time, C.J. learned to manage and avoid these triggers. She has been sober for three years.

Alcoholic Wife - Tips on How to Handle Her First Alcohol Relapse

ALCOHOLIC