How Do I Love My Alcoholic Spouse?

The best way to love an alcoholic spouse or loved one is with detachment towards the behaviors of the disease. Let the alcoholic know that you do love them but it is the addiction you hate. And because you hate the addiction so much you are unable to be around them when they drink. Become knowledgeable about alcoholism so you can better understand its cunning and baffling ways.

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 Separate The Person From The Addiction

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 Alcoholism is a sickness just like any other sickness. In fact a person with hypoglycemia would physically and emotionally feel much like a dry alcoholic would. Alcoholics almost always have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) because of the adverse affects of alcohol on the body. When someone is sick with diabetes or hypoglycemia it is not the substance of "who they are" it is what has been created in their life because of circumstances and triggers connected to them. It is the same way with addiction of any kind. Addiction is a hurdle that can be conquered.

5 Triggers That Spark Addiction

Alcoholism is created in our lives because of underlying triggers and circumstances being present. These factors are physical, heredity, environmental, emotional and spiritual.

1. The craving for alcohol is the physical aspect of addiction, and has a lot to do with diet.

2. Past baggage is the emotional, mental, and sometimes spiritual aspects that offset addiction.

3. Environmental is people we are close to that are alcoholic or were alcoholic. For instance, if a person grew up with an alcoholic parent, that person is more likely to become an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic.

4. The spiritual is the connection the alcoholic has with God.

5. Heredity is genes from an alcoholic parent or grandparent.

All of the above are major triggers that reinforce addiction in a person. But these triggers can be healed and that is how the addict becomes sober and stays sober. The alcoholic can't just stop drinking and think they are healed; there is more to it than that. If the alcoholic just stops drinking and does not take action to heal and or change his circumstances then he will most likely not stay sober for very long.

Stop Putting Band-Aids on the Alcoholic's Wounds

Every time the enabler kisses the boo-boo and puts a band-aid on the alcoholic's wounds, they will never fully realize they are sick and need healing. For example, if a person continually gets bad headaches and they cover up the pain with aspirin, they will never get to real reason of "why" they keep getting headaches. "Why does the alcoholic drink? What circumstances and triggers are present that can be eliminated from the alcoholics life. All triggers can be healed and done away with for good with the right addiction counseling, intervention and Godly support, expect for the heredity factor.

You have to allow the alcoholic to tend to his own wounds for a change. If the enabler keeps covering up the wounds the addict will never take charge of his own behavior, reactions, and circumstances. Covering up the alcoholic's behaviors with band-aids only reinforces in the alcoholic more denial that he or she even has a problem.

You help the alcoholic best by pulling yourself away emotionally and that takes effort on your part, but you can do it. Love, support, and encourage the alcoholic when they are NOT drinking. Cut the ropes to the disease but love the person. Do not become trapped within the sickness of addiction anymore. You have to start rescuing you for a change and you can only do that by letting it go.

Ask Jesus to help you to detach with love from the alcoholic. Never underestimate the power of prayer in your life. Keep praying for the alcoholic because God does hear your prayers. He knows the suffering and pain you are going through every day. This is precisely why you need to go to Him and ask Him to give you the strength and faith you will need daily to cope with loving an alcoholic.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:25)

Before I end this article I would like to leave you with some encouragement from the book of ALANON.

Why do I waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what makes an alcoholic drink-why he doesn't consider his family, his obligations, his reputation? All I need to know is that he suffers from a disease-alcoholism, the compulsion to drink. Why shouldn't I have compassion for him and his illness when I am so ready to feel sorry for people who have other diseases? Do I blame them? Can I cure him by reproaching him? Can I look into his heart and realize the true nature of his sufferings?

Today's Reminder

The fact that I am the spouse, child, parent, or friend of an alcoholic does not give me the right to try to control him. I can only make the situation worse by treating him like an irresponsible naughty child.

"On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express." 

ALANON - One Day At A Time.

How Do I Love My Alcoholic Spouse?

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How to Handle Issues Surrounding an Alcoholic Spouse

One of the most devastating things associated with having an alcoholic relationship with a wife or husband is the issue of being second place to their drinking habits. When a spouse is in love with the party life more than they are with you, this can be a difficult situation to accept.

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I was married to a wife who had serious drinking problems and several narcotic addictions. Through attending thousands of support group meetings, over the past thirteen years, I've learned many ways of handling this type of situation.

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First, let me start by setting the foundation of what you are dealing with. An alcoholic from the time they get up until they fall asleep has one thing bombarding their thoughts; "where will I get a drink from today." Unfortunately for us, this means we take second place to their addiction. I would have loved it if my wife would have had those types of never-ending thoughts about me, but she did not. Many nights and days, I was left alone because she was out having a party time with whom ever she could find to join her.

The only way to handle this issue of being second place to the bottle is to accept the situation for what it is. You have no other choice in the matter.

Now if you can grasp the truth in what I have just shared, you can now move to the next step. This is where you begin to do things that you enjoy rather than waiting around for the alcoholic spouse to fulfill your need to be happy. I am not suggesting that you get involved with someone of the opposite sex. I am suggesting that you find things that you really enjoy doing without the alcoholic.

Here are a few suggestions:

Start attending support group meetings Volunteer to help others less fortunate than you Start a business that you have always wanted to do Rekindle some childhood hobbies Take up exercising Get a dog or cat Spend more time with friends

It really doesn't matter what you decide to do, just start doing things you enjoy. An alcoholic spouse will never be able to fulfill your need to be loved. They just do not have it in them to do so.

They are not responsible for your happiness either. Being happy is something that only you can make happen. We should never look to the actions of others to make us happy.

There are hundreds of issues surrounding a relationship with an alcoholic that we have no control over. The one thing we do have control over is how we respond to their behaviors. When we learn how to detach, set boundaries, love them without conditions and how to let go, then we can handle many situations we will encounter in our relationship with an alcoholic spouse.

Holding a marriage together takes work and when alcoholism is involved it requires overtime on our part. Many people have learned how to live happy lives even while their spouses are actively drinking. This is something that requires learning how to live with them from others who know how.

How to Handle Issues Surrounding an Alcoholic Spouse

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How to Talk to an Alcoholic Spouse

Frequently those who are married or partnered with alcoholics think that they can actually change the person with the addiction. That is not true. In fact, no matter how dysfunctional their lives seem to be to others, they will continue to live as they do until life doesn't work for them anyone.

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Some clients come to me with the idea that perhaps I can change the person who they care about but I do not have the ability to do this either. There are some things, however, that I tell the spouse:

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1. Let the alcoholic face consequences of the drinking - Lying to the boss or other people will not help the situation. If there is a charge for drunk driving let him/her go to Court on their own. The only way that the alcoholic is going to even consider making changes is if they realize that they are in big trouble and need to take responsibility for themselves.

2. Quit trying to put services in place for him/her - Let them make appointments for themselves and set up rehabilitation on their own. Otherwise, they do not have any investment in the treatment process. If they don't show up it will be on them and should not embarrass you. Getting an alcoholic to a therapist will not create miracles especially if there is no "buy in" on their part.

3. Work on your own life - Letting go can be a difficult process, especially if you are used to focussing on the problems that the alcoholic creates and experiences. Your self-image should not be based on whether the other person does well. You need to live your life in a healthy way and enjoy reaching goals without being held back by things that you think, but really can't, control.

4. Decide if you can continue live like this - There are three choices that you have when deciding about your living arrangements. You can keep things the way they are at the present. (This likely isn't working for you or your wouldn't have asked for help in the first place). You can find good support and learn to detach while continuing to live with the alcoholic. Or you can leave the relationship. When you are making your decision, focus on your needs and not just on the needs of the alcoholic.

Al-anon is a wonderful program that helps the family members of alcoholics to establish healthy relationships and make good life choices. One of the best steps you can make therefore is to attend a meeting this week.

How to Talk to an Alcoholic Spouse

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Living With An Alcoholic Spouse: A Healthy Detachment

The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.

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Don't Make Alcoholism Your Problem

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If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don't know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!

Don't Enable

Most spouses of alcoholics don't realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.

Get Off The Pity Pot

Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. "Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can't take it anymore" attitude won't get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn't doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don't hang around the alcoholic, and don't let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.

Detach With Love

You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don't try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don't have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don't become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don't start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.

Pray For The Alcoholic

I can't tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

Living With An Alcoholic Spouse: A Healthy Detachment

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Alcoholic Spouse - What Happens When Only One Spouse Decides to Quit Drinking Alcohol?

It is very bad luck for a child to be born into an alcoholic family that has one alcoholic parent. However, it is truly the worst luck to have two alcoholic parents.

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As a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction, this is not an uncommon scenario. Not only are their children at twice the genetic risk of developing an alcohol problem, the chance of both alcoholic parents remaining clean and sober is not very high.

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Here is a case from my psychiatric practice:

M.F. and S.V. met in college. At that time, every one around them was drinking and using drugs so that their drug and alcohol use did not stand out. However, they are both thirty years old now and have a son in 8th grade and a daughter in 4th grade. M.F. and his wife S.V. have continued drinking excessively with no significant periods of sobriety (except S.V. during her pregnancies).

M.F. is a successful entrepreneur and his wife is a stay at home mom. They go out with friends almost every night and basically use and abuse alcohol. M.F. decided to get a psychiatric evaluation because he feels depressed and anxious over his financial difficulties. His formerly successful business took a downturn during the tough economic times of the last several years.

I prescribed a medication to prevent alcohol withdrawal and explained that an antidepressant would not work for his depression if he continued his alcohol abuse. I explained that alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and actually causes depression.

He committed to staying clean and sober for 8 weeks, but would not agree to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. He just wanted to try to quit drinking alcohol for several months to see if he could do it.

M.F.'s mood improved significantly after 4 weeks on an antidepressant medication. He had minimal cravings for alcohol (I put him on an anti craving medication as well). He was much more much effective at work and faced problems as they arose. He said he felt on top of his game.

However, his home life was stained. He no longer drank alcohol when he and his wife went out to dinner with friends. His alcoholic wife continued to get drunk right in front of him. Many times, he often left early without her or chose to stay at home with their children.

His alcoholic wife continued her alcoholic behavior. She drank nightly with friends and slept a good part of the day. On several occasions when he was out with her, he almost had an alcohol relapse. He felt angry and resentful watching her drink.

M.F. tells me he is very judgmental toward his alcoholic wife even though he has had a significant alcohol problem himself for so many years. Now that he is clean and sober, he realizes that his wife spends her time either abusing alcohol or suffering the effects of alcohol. She barely participates in the family other than getting their children to and from school. The children have essentially been raising themselves.

Conversely, his alcoholic wife complains to him that he is acting self- righteous about quitting drinking alcohol even though he has been clean and sober for such a short time. M.F. confides in me he is thinking about divorce unless his wife chooses to quit drinking alcohol.

This case illustrates the strain on an alcoholic family when either the alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife begins recovery before the other one follows suit. The spouse in alcoholic recovery quickly sees the tremendous impact of alcoholic behavior on the family and is no longer as tolerant or supportive of his/her addicted spouse.

In my 21 years of practice, the best scenario is for both alcoholic spouses to be recovery together. If one of the alcoholic spouses refuses to quit drinking alcohol or will not consider any alcohol treatment options the chance of the alcoholic family staying together is very slim. Families Anonymous is an excellent 12 step program to help alcoholic families.

Alcoholic Spouse - What Happens When Only One Spouse Decides to Quit Drinking Alcohol?

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What You Can Do About An Alcoholic Spouse

One very real problem in marriages is alcohol related problems. Sometimes one spouse decides that alcohol is more important than other things in life and starts to abuse it. If you are in a marriage where this is happening, it can be a huge problem. There are things that you can do about having an alcoholic spouse that will help make the situation a bit better.

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You have to let your spouse know what you feel about the drinking. This might not change him or her, but at least they know exactly how you feel about the subject. Let them know what it's doing to you in your marriage and to the children if you have some together.

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Set very clear boundaries in your marriage. When your partner is drunk, let him or her know exactly what those boundaries are. They will know exactly what you will do for them and what you won't do for them when they are like this.

Try to get control of your finances in the marriage. You don't want your spouse spending too much money on things like alcohol. Do what you can do preserve the savings if they have a problem dipping into this money to support their habit.

Talk about the reasons why you want your spouse to get help. Talk about how things used to be. Talk about how the children will enjoy having their parent back again. Make sure you keep bringing these things up.

Don't get out of control emotionally especially when they are using alcohol. It's never a positive situation for you to also lose control. You have to remain strong no matter how angry, bitter, or frustrated that you are with them.

At some point in time stop covering for your spouse. If the drinking is causing problems, don't cover up this fact. The longer it's covered, the longer this behavior will continue as it's a secret.

Get professional help. You can't change the person. You need help. There are counselors and programs that can assist you in all this.

What You Can Do About An Alcoholic Spouse

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5 Ways to Stop Feeling Resentful While Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

Most spouses and loved ones of addicts, that have not helped themselves, do feel resentment and anger. They feel resentful for taking care of the alcoholic. They feel resentful for taking the brunt of the abusive behaviors that come with addiction. They feel resentful because they are spending their days worrying about the alcoholic. Understand that you are not alone. When you learn to detach with love it will release a huge burden from you spiritually and emotionally.

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1. Realize that Alcoholism is Not Your Problem or Responsibility

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When you stop reacting to the alcoholic's behaviors you at once stop allowing the addiction to control you. The truth is most loved ones of addicts are preoccupied with the addicts behaviors. In other words, they allow the behaviors of the addict to consume their thoughts day in and day out and it makes them sick with the addict. No wonder you feel resentful-you don't have a life when you consume yourself with the addict's behaviors!

The only time we would want to interfere with the alcoholic is if they are hurting themselves or someone else. Know the difference. We have to interfere if they are going to get into a car and drive drunk. We will have to interfere if they are emotionally abusing any children in the home. These things are a must, but we don't have to enable the addiction or rescue them from the problems they create while drinking and being drunk.

2. Don't Blame Yourself

Loved ones sometimes indirectly blame themselves for the addiction. This happens because the alcoholic has abusive tirades where they continually blame their spouse or other close loved ones for their unhappiness. But it's not true! Alcoholics are alcoholics because they chose to take that first drink and they are responsible for what they do while intoxicated. Once you give them back the addiction they are more apt to come out from denial and seek help. Alcoholics can get sober but THEY have to be willing.

3. Stop Trying to Control the Addiction or Fix the Alcoholic

Loved ones and spouses think they can somehow control the amount of alcohol the alcoholic drinks, or they think they can somehow get them to stop drinking altogether. This is nonsensical. You are completely powerless to control the alcoholic or the addiction. But you can control how you react to the alcoholic's behaviors. Be good to yourself and don't let the abuse destroy your emotional and spiritual well being.

You can't fix the alcoholic-they can only fix themselves. The more you enable and rescue the alcoholics problems, that they have created while drinking, the more they will be consumed within the addiction-in essence, you the enabler, are helping them drink! The best way to help the alcoholic or addict is to do nothing. Don't react to the abuse and don't enable and rescue.

4. Don't Give up and Don't Get Discouraged

We have control over what we do, what we say, and how we react to the addiction. We can control our own thoughts, actions and behaviors towards the alcoholic and towards ourselves. We can choose to continue doing those things that make us happy while praying for the recovery of our loved one. We must learn to let "it" go and give it to God. God gives us the peace we need to live with and love the alcoholic.

5. Get Educated About Alcoholism

The more we understand about alcoholism the easier it is for us to handle each and every situation that comes up with the alcoholic. I cannot say how important it is to get yourself educated about all the aspects of alcoholism because it will make or break your sanity in the long run. ALANON, a group that helps spouses learn to detach, is an excellent way to begin your education because you will realize you are not alone in how you feel and there are others who are going through exactly what you are. You don't have to feel resentful or bitter about the addiction or alcoholic any longer.

5 Ways to Stop Feeling Resentful While Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

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Living With an Alcoholic Husband Or Spouse? How to Give the Alcoholic Help

Of all the people I have encountered who once struggled as an alcoholic, but don't anymore, none of them said it was their spouse's or families' fault. "If only he/she did not enable me so much" or "if only he/she was not a codependent, I could have stopped drinking sooner", are two statements I have never heard from a recovered alcoholic. In fact, it is the complete opposite. Those who have "recovered" value the strength and understanding they received from others.

alcoholics anonymous 4th edition

Does this mean you become a doormat? Absolutely not. Below you may find some helpful information on how to give the alcoholic help. But in no way think that the answer can be found anywhere but truly in your heart. What works for one, may not work for another. What one person wants and can put up with, another may not be able to. Determine how much you are willing to take, then set the boundaries. Talk to your alcoholic husband or spouse and make these boundaries clear.

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There are many theories of how to help an alcoholic and of course everyone believes to know the answers of how to best give the alcoholic help. But from experience, I found that the reality of living with an alcoholic is very different than the theory.One approach does not fit all. We have to be comfortable with the choices and decisions we make when giving the alcoholic help. Theories and opinions of others do not necessarily help us fall asleep at night if they go against what we believe or are willing to do in helping the alcoholic spouse or husband. In fact, these theories and opinions can be detrimental if they are given as absolutes, or if they judge or victimize the person trying to help the alcoholic husband or spouse.

The following are some suggestions I found helpful from people who have struggled with an alcoholic husband or spouse. Like myself, not everyone can be thrown into the codependent or enabler category simply because they refuse to give up or leave the alcoholic.

I believe that understanding the dynamics underlying the alcoholic behavior will help the family or friends support and challenge the alcoholic to move on to a better life.

There are two aspects of change necessary for the alcoholic husband or alcoholic spouse:

1) There must be a desire to change.

2) There must be a belief that the change will positively impact their life.

1) The desire to change includes...

- A focus on the positives of the person struggling with alcohol. Why? Because the alcoholic already knows their life is a mess. What they don't know is if they have the ability to climb out of this mess.

- An improved self-confidence, as self-esteem is an issue here. The alcoholic husband or spouse doubts their ability to handle life situations. If they doubt they can survive the stress of life without their crutch (alcohol), then they are not going to give it up and will be resistant to any alcoholic help you may try to give.

- Moving away from dwelling on negative consequences of drinking. We often like to overemphasize the negative consequences the alcoholic husband or spouse is going to experience if they continue using alcohol. We throw statements at them like: "You are going to end up in jail" or "You are destroying your body". They already know this. What they don't know is if they have the inner capabilities to avoid these negative consequences.

An important point here is that the alcoholic compensates for their feelings of inadequacy, fear and helplessness by drinking. To constantly remind them of the negative consequences does not find a solution or way for them to regain control of their fear and helplessness in a healthy manner. You may wonder how destroying their life even more with alcohol helps them regain control? Here it is: Alcohol use is often comforting in a sense that using is predictable and consistent. What? No matter what is going on in life, the alcoholic spouse or husband knows they can assert their "will" or control through their use of alcohol. It's their perception. They may not like the pain alcohol causes them, but at least they know what to expect. They are miserable, but without alcohol they would not know how to cope. The fear of the unknown is greater than the pain of drinking.

Self-esteem may be confused with sobriety. The alcoholic husband or spouse may not regain an instant positive self-image simply by becoming sober. Self-esteem needs to be associated with more than particular actions. Otherwise a belief occurs that if I do such and such then I am a good person and I will remain sober. This can get the alcoholic in trouble if they do the proper actions and don't get the right response (sobriety). Instead, start emphasizing that personal worth is present when the alcoholic believes it is because they are alive and have every capability to thrive and succeed.

2) The belief that the change will positively impact their life includes:

- Proper support and peer groups. This is important that support is present. Remember we all rise or fall to the expectation of our peers. If someone using alcohol does not seem to be changing for the better, I'll bet it is because they do not see any significant personal life benefits or improvement.

This goes to their perception of what life improvement means, but it also has to do with realistic life situations. Are the alcoholic's current goals and values in line with what they want their life to be about? If not, they need to be revisited. Do they need to look for better employment? Change the crowd they hang out with? Often we become concerned when someone wants to drop out of school or change jobs. Make sure the motive is good, but find out what they really desire and value in life. Maybe they are telling you they have a better idea and path for their life. Explore the options and motivations for what the alcoholic wants their life to be about.

- Giving dignity to the alcoholic spouse or husband by allowing them to own their problem. We sometimes assume that someone who overuses alcohol is incompetent or unable to decide for themselves what options they need. They know. They are just too unsure of themselves and afraid to act on these options. Think about it, if they currently use alcohol they are already telling you they are not happy with current life situations. Help them find and explore the right ones.

- Understanding the alcoholics immediate needs. Whatever the alcoholic believes is impairing their life situation needs to be explored. I have made the mistake of trying to motivate change in someone while ignoring the fact that they have nowhere to live and not enough money to eat on. Be practical and realistic with how you help. Don't just throw out ideas. Set practical goals for the specific needs of the individual.

So What can We do To Give The Alcoholic Help?

- We must empower the individual struggling with alcohol. We do this by taking away all the excuses the alcoholic spouse or husband may have to why they cannot stop drinking. As we have seen, the alcoholic will have many of these excuses. But, the bottom line is that they do not believe they have the necessary personal resources to overcome their drinking.

- Self-confidence is the key. Find and emphasize the alcoholics talents. I do not believe someone who struggles with alcohol is weak willed or spiritually deprived. Their wills have taken them places no one else would want to go. If they wanted to drink they found a way to do it. Use this strength to re-focus them and give the alcoholic help.

- Their spirituality is normally quit strong inside them. They are searching for something, a meaning. Help the alcoholic develop and find this meaning. Victor Frankl wrote that if you give a person purpose and meaning, they will find a way through anything no matter how hopeless it seems. Even atheists believe in something, even if it is life itself.

- For every choice to use alcohol, there is an alternative choice also available. The alcoholic husband or spouse may have forgotten this part. The alternative choice will most likely impact the problem more directly to resolve it and not further its existence. Fear may enter here, for it is scary to take on responsibility. The alcoholic spouse or husband may have avoided responsibility like the plague. But when they finally realize that their control comes from responsible choices, they are more willing to attempt it. The key is when they can see how choosing the responsible choice will positively impact their life situation. When life situations can't be seen as improving, change will be hard fought.

- No one truly enjoys their drinking behavior. They don't drink because they "like it". Think back to the first few times you drank. The taste was awful and it most likely made you sick. No one I have ever encountered formed their desire to use after the first drink. It took some work.

- Make sure goals are clear and achievable. The alcoholic husband or spouse must develop a clear vision and plan of what they want and who they want to be. This is most important, for through their use of alcohol most have lost sight of the dreams and goals they once had. Remind them. Most healthy people look at the world as their playground. The alcoholic looks at the world as their prison. Help them find the key.

- Avoid cleaning up their mess. Don't get involved with the blame game. Alcoholics are real good at this. They can twist any situation to support their misery. Let choices and consequences be theirs. This way there is no one to blame but themselves.

- Let them know that it is OK to feel. Most alcoholics don't know how to do this. Teach them. To them, feelings are the enemy and have to be avoided. Feelings come and go and feelings will not kill you. It's how you respond to them that matters.

- Fear is at the root of all problem drinking. Get the alcoholic spouse or husband to tackle one of these fears head on and they gain some ground. Build on these small successes so they can start to see their innate abilities to change.

- Get them out of their heads! There is no destructive force in the world greater than an alcoholics self-centered thinking. Mental illness has been defined as perceiving without testing. We perceive according to the stories we tell ourselves in our heads. It does not matter the reality of these stories. They are how we see the world. The alcoholic husband or spouse has such a selfish view (story) that if they are left in their own heads, there is little chance of positive change. What works well here is to have the alcoholic help out others. If they are thinking of someone else, they will not be thinking of themselves. There is no greater fulfillment in the world than one who truly gives to another and expects nothing in return. Teach them to give.

- Perhaps the most dangerous idea in the treatment field is the phrase "You have to do it for yourself". Who do you think the alcoholic spouse or husband has been serving all this time? His family and friends? No, themselves. Get them out of their heads! Teach them to help others. Help them find their vision and meaning!

- Motives drive an addiction. Teach them to examine the motives behind their drinking behavior. Most of their motives will be fear based. Remember their drinking is their attempt to control an internal feeling of fear and helplessness. A good rule of thumb in checking motives to a behavior is to ask, "Will this hurt or harm myself or others?" If the answer is yes, then difficulties lie ahead. Behaviors with fear as their motive will only result in self-protecting behavior. They will not focus on a solution to a problem and will not satisfy.

- Fear and guilt do little to help the alcoholic abstain from alcohol! Most professionals focus on the negative consequences as a reason to abstain from alcohol. This is the wrong approach. The alcoholic already knows, or has experienced the negative consequences associated with drinking. This has not hindered their use. They may cut down for a while after experiencing a negative consequence only to resume normal use as time goes on. This is because alcoholics do not like to live in fear. They want to escape it. Guilt is the same thing. Alcoholics want to avoid it. Fear and guilt focus on the problem not the solution. Teach the alcoholic husband or spouse to focus on the solution. This is done by having them see that change occurs when they focus their life on something other than drinking.

- Don't define them as "in recovery" or by "sober time". This is a focus on the problem. When the alcoholic husband or spouse realize they can handle stress in life, not because they are "sober" or "in recovery" but because they are alive and equipped with the ability to do so, alcohol will be irrelevant. They choose the right way because it is simply right for them, not because they fear the consequences. This may be difficult for them to see at first until they clarify their goals and who they want to be.

Living With an Alcoholic Husband Or Spouse? How to Give the Alcoholic Help

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Why Begging Your Alcoholic Spouse to Quit Drinking Alcohol Never Works

As a psychiatrist that specializes in treating addiction, I witness people married to an alcoholic elicit promises from their partner to stop drinking alcohol. People will nag, plead, and beg their alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife to quit drinking alcohol. Sometimes, their partner will "cave in" under the pressure and stop drinking alcohol for one or two days only to have an alcohol relapse. Then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

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Here is an example of a case from my practice:

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S.L. is 55 years old and has been married for 22 years. Her husband started drinking early on in their marriage. 10 years ago, after thousands of broken promises, S.L. threatened to leave her alcoholic husband. He was so shaken by this, that he got help and remained clean and sober for 7 years. However, he started drinking again and his alcohol consumption increased over time. S.L. and her husband fought about his drinking on a daily basis. He would get angry and defensive with her, but usually would agree to "cut back". He broke promise after promise. She left him for a short time, but the problem continued. This case is a typical example. She actually returned to her marriage. NOTHING has changed for the better and her husband continues to drink.

Why would your alcoholic spouse break a promise to you that is more important to you than anything else in your life? Here are 5 reasons why your alcoholic spouse breaks his/her promise to you to stop drinking alcohol:

Your alcoholic spouse experiences alcohol withdrawal symptoms because his/her brain has become alcohol dependent. Your alcoholic spouse has strong alcohol cravings.These alcohol cravings produce a strong primal drive to drink more alcohol. He/she may have started drinking in the first place to avoid facing problems such as sexual trauma as a child, an inability to face adult responsibilities, job pressures etc. Your alcoholic spouse may be self-medicating anxiety or depression. Your alcoholic spouse is not making the life style changes that are necessary to maintain sobriety such as being surrounded by sober friends at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, getting a sponsor for the 12-step meetings, seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist, and learning coping skills to manage stress.

Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease. Your spouses' brain is dependent on a substance which makes him/her feel hostage to alcohol. You, on the other hand, feel like a victim of the disease as well because you are suffering the consequences of his/her substance dependence. You are part of an alcoholic family meaning that every one who cares about the alcoholic is affected at a deep level. For this reason, alcoholism is known as a family disease.

Why Begging Your Alcoholic Spouse to Quit Drinking Alcohol Never Works

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Married to an Abusive Alcoholic: Am I Helping My Spouse to Drink?

It can be very difficult when living with an alcoholic. You never know what to expect from one moment to the next. If you are married to an alcoholic then you need to set boundaries for your personal self. You NEED to take care of you now. You do not have to allow the alcoholics verbal abuses to take control of your emotions another minute longer!

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We've all heard the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". Well, this is pretty much what it's like when living with a verbally abusive alcoholic. Learn to not let "the names" hurt you by emotionally detaching. You should never allow the alcoholic behavior control how you will behave because by doing this it shows that you are controlled by alcoholism just as much as the alcoholic is.

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Love the Alcoholic But Detach From the Alcoholism

Loving an alcoholic is different then loving the behaviors of alcoholism. For instance, the wife of an alcoholic husband still has duties as his wife, therefore as difficult as it may seem sometimes we still need to cook our husband's dinner, whether they are alcoholic or not. But this does not mean to serve alcohol with dinner or to sit down with and interact with the alcoholic as they start to drink.

Sitting down with and interacting with your loved one as they drink themselves to oblivion is enabling them because it shows him or her that you are accepting their drinking behavior. A husband or wife should never sit down with, argue and fuss with, scream and holler at, or chitchat with a drinking alcoholic. This only confirms in the alcoholic that their drinking and abusive behavior is acceptable.

A wife or husband needs to be discerning and know when to show a support of love to the alcoholic and when they should emotionally detach. To know the difference ask yourself this question:Is there anything that I am doing that would help my husband/wife to drink? TIP: Once your spouse starts drinking for the day, just about anything you do or say can be misconstrued or manipulated by the alcoholic so it is best NOT to interact with them.

Prepare a "Self Preservation" Retreat

Learning to emotionally detach from the alcoholic is not always easy, this is why it is ideal to prepare a "self preservation" retreat that you can hold up in while the alcoholic is left to himself to drink. The truth is most spouses of alcoholics are just as emotionally and spiritually sick as the alcoholic just because of all the abusive garbage they take in every single time the alcoholic drinks. It's now time to take care of you and let the alcoholic be responsible for their problem.

In many cases loved ones of alcoholics will need to physically detach from the abuse just because the alcoholic behavior is too difficult to ignore and this is "why" you have a self-preservation retreat set up in your home. If you do not have a spare bedroom or basement, use the master bedroom and have the alcoholic sleep on the couch or hide abed. This does not mean you will never be intimate with or have sex with your spouse but being intimate and having sex with the alcoholic should always be done when they are NOT drinking anyway, or you will only be enabling their addiction once again.

If you have small children in the home, this retreat should also accommodate them as well. Ideally this room should have toys, paper, coloring books, crayons, snacks, small refrigerator, drinks, laptop, cell phone, TV, books, magazines, and a bathroom. It should be set up in such a way that you would not have to leave this room and confront the alcoholic drinking in other parts of the home.

If the alcoholic does not stay away from you while he or she is drinking then it is a good idea to record their verbal abuse for several nights in a row. Then the next day play back the recording and let them hear themselves. Nicely, but assertively let them know that it is this verbal and emotional abuse that you are detaching from and they need to respect your requirements and not trespass against your spirit and mind while they are drinking.

Let them know: If they are drinking, you will go to your retreat for the night. If they want to stay sober you will be more than happy to sit with them in the living room and watch a movie. Let your spouse know that you love them but you are not going to get caught in the alcoholic trap with them. You need to take care of your spiritual and emotional well-being and that won't happen if you are a target to a verbally abusive alcoholic. And that's it. Email me if you have any questions.

Married to an Abusive Alcoholic: Am I Helping My Spouse to Drink?

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Should Your Alcoholic Spouse Take Antidepressants?

As a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction, most people I treat for an alcohol problem have underlying depression and anxiety. The key question is which came first the chicken or the egg? In other words, is your alcoholic husband or alcoholic wife self-medicating their depression and anxiety with alcohol or is alcohol causing these symptoms? In most cases your alcoholic spouse started out "self-medicating", but now is actually causing more depressive symptoms using alcohol.

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Here are 2 typical cases that illustrate the combination of alcoholism and depression:

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M.J. is 42 years old and has been drinking on and off for the last 25 years. Recently, he has had trouble sleeping, has lost his motivation for work, and does not feel a sense of joy for much of anything. For the last year, he has been drinking about 4-5 beers every day to "wind down". He says the only sense of "fun" he has is when he drinks with the guys after work. He dreads hanging around his wife and kids in the evening. He wants me to prescribe an antidepressant.

T.R. is a housewife with 3 young kids. She used to be a paralegal, but decided to stay home to raise her children. She feels a void now that she spends the day doing laundry, picking up the house, and juggling her children's activities. She misses interacting with adults. She started drinking to temporarily lift her spirits. Now she feels depressed and has been drinking more over time.

Both cases show that alcohol is being used to "cope" with life stresses. In other words, both M.J. and T.R are "self-medicating, but now feel even more depressed. Why? Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant and causesdepression.

Take home point: If your alcoholic spouse quits drinking, they may no longer feel depressed and may not require antidepressants.

What is the scoop on alcohol and antidepressants?

Alcohol diminishes the effect of the antidepressants. The only way for your alcoholic spouse to fully benefit from an antidepressant is not to mix it with alcohol. Even mild drinking (a few drinks a week) may interfere with the antidepressant response.

For example, your alcoholic husband has probably become more depressed because his alcohol problem has interfered with his job performance and his marriage. Now he has 3 things to be depressed about- alcohol dependence, job insecurity, marital stress. He probably needs antidepressants to feel less depressed and have the strength to participate in his alcoholic recovery.

Here is the take home message: Whatever the reason your alcoholic spouse is depressed, depression cannot be effectively treated on antidepressants if he/she continues to drink alcohol. Alcoholism and depression is a bad combination. Both are serious illnesses and should be addressed. From a psychiatrists' standpoint, alcohol is the number one problem and depression second.

If someone with depression and an alcohol problem responds to an antidepressant, it is a "home run" because they can be more active participants in all areas of their life and will have a better chance of maintaining their sobriety.

Should Your Alcoholic Spouse Take Antidepressants?

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