You're Married to an Alcoholic - What to Do?

"My Partner is a Functioning Alcoholic"
Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue.

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A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form.

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Now your partner has shifted from enjoying a drink to compulsively needing alcohol to feel okay. And you may have shifted from being giving and caring to being addicted to your partner's care. Compulsive caretaking often grows alongside the deteriorating self-care of the compulsive drinker.
If the alcoholic has more or less continued to hold down a job, he is politely called a "functioning alcoholic." But he is an alcoholic nonetheless. He works a great deal below his potential, he neglects or abuses his family and he may not live very long if he continues the self-abuse.

Like all addicts, he lies (bold faced lies, lies of omission, cover-ups, and minimization), he makes excuses, he blames others for his drinking, and he continues to seek out and use alcohol despite the consequences.

If there are children present, they copy the lying, justifying, blaming behavior which they see modeled. They also learn to keep family secrets and to cover for their alcoholic parent. In other words they join in the "dance of alcohol" and participate with their parents, learning how to be alcoholics or how to live with them when they grow up.

If you are an alcoholic and you are in a marriage, you may have to leave your drinking behind completely in order to gain any hope of reversing the progressive damage your alcoholism is inflicting on yourself and your family.

If you are living with a functioning alcoholic, there are steps you can take too. Perhaps more importantly at first, there are things you can learn to avoid so that you don't further your partner's alcoholism. Making excuses for him, for example, only makes things worse. You don't want to be an enabler or a rescuer.

The Alcoholism Test
Over the years in my psychology practice many women have started their first session with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." In the last few days alone two more women took the Alcoholism Test and left a comment opening with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." I seldom see or hear the statement without also sensing an undertone of desperation and frustration, as if to say, I didn't bargain for this when we got married.

You're Married to an Alcoholic - What to Do?

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Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober

Are you married to an alcoholic? Is your husband/wife a different person when they drink? Are you tired of the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde Behavior? Are you at your wits end and just can't take it anymore? What can you do?

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1. Stop trying to get your husband/wife to stop drinking.

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No matter how much you nag and complain at them to stop drinking, it is not going to do a bit of good. What will is taking care of you. I know, it sounds backwards, but when you're emotionally stressed out, it will be more difficult to help your loved one. You have no verbal power over the alcoholic. What you do have control over is your actions. What you do and say to the alcoholic will have a direct effect on whether or not they will continue drinking or not.

2. Detach with love.

Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don't take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don't argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.

Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.

3. Set boundaries

Did you know that the person who takes the verbal abuse of an alcoholic is sometimes just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic? This is why it is absolutely necessary, especially for spouses of alcoholics, to set boundaries for themselves while the alcoholic is drinking.

Don't allow their roller coaster emotions to affect you. At least do not let them see that they are affecting you. The alcoholic wants to get a reaction out of you, don't give them that satisfaction. When they are drinking, treat them like a stranger. Remember, you love the person you married, but you do not love the disease. Don't be nice to the disease but love the person. Do you understand?

4. Do not enable the alcoholic

Don't help the alcoholic by enabling their addictive behavior. Don't help them to bed. Don't let them drive while drinking. Do not let them argue, fuss or fight with you while they are drinking. Do not talk to them, leave the house or room and shut and lock the door behind you. Do not buy them alcohol, even if they beg you to. Don't let them drive! Don't treat them any differently because they have a drinking problem. Don't give them any special attention while they are drinking.

5. Be supportive when they are sober

When the alcoholic in your life is sober, give them extra special attention. Tell them how much you love them, but not the disease. Talk to them about your new boundaries when they are sober. Write them on the refrigerator so they can't say they forgot. Basically let them know all the bad and awful things they do to you and the rest of the family while they are drinking. They need to know.

6. Go to Alan-on

This is very important when you are living with an alcoholic. This is how you heal yourself from the abuses of the alcoholic. This is where you will meet friends who are going through the same things as you. You are not alone.

7. Pray everyday

Never relent in your silent appeals to God for your spouse's sobriety. I cannot say enough how important it is to keep a well balanced mind, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when living with an alcoholic. They can literally tear you apart. I encourage you to seek God for your comfort and encouragement during this difficult time in your life. God answers our incessant appeals for healing. He feels our suffering and pain. Please do not give up hope.

Married to an Alcoholic: 7 Steps to Helping Them Get Sober

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Married to an Alcoholic Wife

In the beginning, I didn't handle being at home with the kids while my alcoholic wife was out all night very well. It wasn't until I got involved in alcoholism support group meetings that I finally got a grip on my emotions. For a couple of years prior to finding help for my situation it seems like all I did was argue with my wife about her problem.

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If your wife is neglecting you and the children because she is an alcoholic, I can help you handle this situation better.

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The first thing that I want you to realize is that an alcoholic rarely is concerned about how their drinking habits are effecting the family around them. It's nothing personal, but rather a common thread among most addicts. They are in love with romancing the bottle more than anything else. This is why someone who once had a genuine love for others can change like night and day when they get addicted to alcohol.

The problem we are faced with as husbands is that we look to our wives for love that they are not capable of giving because of their addictions. I've heard that going to an alcoholic to get love is like shopping for milk in a motorcycle shop. They are not capable of choosing "us" over their addiction.

I'll never forget telling my wife that this is not how a marriage is supposed to be. I would say things like: "It is not OK for someone who is married to be out at bars all night and sometimes not even come home. This is NOT how a marriage is supposed to be."

Do you think that made any difference at all? Nope, she never slowed down to even give it a thought. In fact, she probably went out that night just to show me that I had no control over here actions.

So the first step in handling a situation with an alcoholic wife is letting go of her. That sounds strange doesn't it? Think about it for just a moment, has anything you have said or done convinced her to quit drinking? Has she stopped doing the things that are so damaging to her and those around her because of anything you have tried to do? I'm going to answer "no" to both of those questions for you. If you take an honest look at those questions, I believe you will answer NO yourself.

With those things in mind, could it be possible for you to experience more peace in "your" life simply by realizing that all of the arguing, confronting and fighting is not making your alcoholic spouse quit? Yes, it is possible, but you have to include changing the way you handle yourself in response to the things she is doing.

You cannot control her. So, you must let go of obsessing over her and start focusing on more positive things in life. As you start letting go, you must hold on to hope because suddenly an alcoholic can decide that they have a problem and reach out for help.

Now there are thousands of emotions that we must get a handle on. One of the biggest ones is jealously. Along with it come trust issues and fear of the future. Having an alcoholic wife is not easy and only you can decide what the best way to handle the situation is going to be.

I can teach you many proven methods for coping with an alcoholic. They are all designed to help you find happiness and peace even if she is still drinking or not.

The first step is in realizing that you cannot control her addiction. You also need to start changing the way you react to what she is doing. How to change your behavior is something you will need to learn from people who know how to deal dysfunctional relationships.

Married to an Alcoholic Wife

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Married to an Abusive Alcoholic: Am I Helping My Spouse to Drink?

It can be very difficult when living with an alcoholic. You never know what to expect from one moment to the next. If you are married to an alcoholic then you need to set boundaries for your personal self. You NEED to take care of you now. You do not have to allow the alcoholics verbal abuses to take control of your emotions another minute longer!

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We've all heard the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me". Well, this is pretty much what it's like when living with a verbally abusive alcoholic. Learn to not let "the names" hurt you by emotionally detaching. You should never allow the alcoholic behavior control how you will behave because by doing this it shows that you are controlled by alcoholism just as much as the alcoholic is.

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Love the Alcoholic But Detach From the Alcoholism

Loving an alcoholic is different then loving the behaviors of alcoholism. For instance, the wife of an alcoholic husband still has duties as his wife, therefore as difficult as it may seem sometimes we still need to cook our husband's dinner, whether they are alcoholic or not. But this does not mean to serve alcohol with dinner or to sit down with and interact with the alcoholic as they start to drink.

Sitting down with and interacting with your loved one as they drink themselves to oblivion is enabling them because it shows him or her that you are accepting their drinking behavior. A husband or wife should never sit down with, argue and fuss with, scream and holler at, or chitchat with a drinking alcoholic. This only confirms in the alcoholic that their drinking and abusive behavior is acceptable.

A wife or husband needs to be discerning and know when to show a support of love to the alcoholic and when they should emotionally detach. To know the difference ask yourself this question:Is there anything that I am doing that would help my husband/wife to drink? TIP: Once your spouse starts drinking for the day, just about anything you do or say can be misconstrued or manipulated by the alcoholic so it is best NOT to interact with them.

Prepare a "Self Preservation" Retreat

Learning to emotionally detach from the alcoholic is not always easy, this is why it is ideal to prepare a "self preservation" retreat that you can hold up in while the alcoholic is left to himself to drink. The truth is most spouses of alcoholics are just as emotionally and spiritually sick as the alcoholic just because of all the abusive garbage they take in every single time the alcoholic drinks. It's now time to take care of you and let the alcoholic be responsible for their problem.

In many cases loved ones of alcoholics will need to physically detach from the abuse just because the alcoholic behavior is too difficult to ignore and this is "why" you have a self-preservation retreat set up in your home. If you do not have a spare bedroom or basement, use the master bedroom and have the alcoholic sleep on the couch or hide abed. This does not mean you will never be intimate with or have sex with your spouse but being intimate and having sex with the alcoholic should always be done when they are NOT drinking anyway, or you will only be enabling their addiction once again.

If you have small children in the home, this retreat should also accommodate them as well. Ideally this room should have toys, paper, coloring books, crayons, snacks, small refrigerator, drinks, laptop, cell phone, TV, books, magazines, and a bathroom. It should be set up in such a way that you would not have to leave this room and confront the alcoholic drinking in other parts of the home.

If the alcoholic does not stay away from you while he or she is drinking then it is a good idea to record their verbal abuse for several nights in a row. Then the next day play back the recording and let them hear themselves. Nicely, but assertively let them know that it is this verbal and emotional abuse that you are detaching from and they need to respect your requirements and not trespass against your spirit and mind while they are drinking.

Let them know: If they are drinking, you will go to your retreat for the night. If they want to stay sober you will be more than happy to sit with them in the living room and watch a movie. Let your spouse know that you love them but you are not going to get caught in the alcoholic trap with them. You need to take care of your spiritual and emotional well-being and that won't happen if you are a target to a verbally abusive alcoholic. And that's it. Email me if you have any questions.

Married to an Abusive Alcoholic: Am I Helping My Spouse to Drink?

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