Are You Living With an Alcoholic Husband?

This article is written for wives who are living with an alcoholic husband. It is not bewildering to find that men drink more than women. Nevertheless, this is susceptible to argument and we will not dwell on that today. As a wife residing with an alcoholic husband, there are numerous things you must do and I will share them with you in this article. But let me quickly mention that fighting with him is not the answer to the trouble. That will not bring him back to his right mind. You will know what to do after perusing through this article to the end.

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The number one thing you must get done when living with an alcoholic husband is to detect the foundation of the crisis. In other words, a lot of alcoholics did not start drinking without a reason. Hence, it is your responsibility to discover the cause. For example, it may be a loss of a job, a demotion in the office or a nagging wife and uncontrollable little toddlers that make a man turn to alcoholism for succor. This indicate that your partner is drinking because of yet to be revealed factors. As a result, you must patiently detect these reasons. It is only when these reasons are discovered that you can be aware of what to do to help him out of the crisis.

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Another thing you must do with an alcoholic husband is patience. Yes, you must never run out of that. This is particularly the case if he was not drinking alcohol during your courtship and in the early days of your marriage. Endurance is essential to detect the motive for his too much drinking and it is also required when you want to assist him defeat alcohol addiction. You should never expect him to transform overnight. Patiently help him to find out his crisis and assist him to look for the solution.

Communication is also required if you are living with and want to help an alcoholic husband. You must never forsake him simply because of his senseless character. Truly, that is not the way out. You can only take that step if your life and that of your toddlers are in danger. Chatting with him is required and during your conversation, try and shun talking about his alcohol addiction early in the conversation. Bring up other issues first and when he is attentive and enjoying your conversation, you can now talk about his addiction and the negative effects it is having on you, his kids and the family as a whole.

It is only when all the steps revealed in this article has been done and there is no achievement yet that you should start allowing for the idea of getting him into an alcohol abuse treatment center. And when he agrees to the proposal, it is prudent for you to see him constantly so that he can know that he is not deserted.

Are You Living With an Alcoholic Husband?

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Living With an Alcoholic Husband Or Spouse? How to Give the Alcoholic Help

Of all the people I have encountered who once struggled as an alcoholic, but don't anymore, none of them said it was their spouse's or families' fault. "If only he/she did not enable me so much" or "if only he/she was not a codependent, I could have stopped drinking sooner", are two statements I have never heard from a recovered alcoholic. In fact, it is the complete opposite. Those who have "recovered" value the strength and understanding they received from others.

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Does this mean you become a doormat? Absolutely not. Below you may find some helpful information on how to give the alcoholic help. But in no way think that the answer can be found anywhere but truly in your heart. What works for one, may not work for another. What one person wants and can put up with, another may not be able to. Determine how much you are willing to take, then set the boundaries. Talk to your alcoholic husband or spouse and make these boundaries clear.

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There are many theories of how to help an alcoholic and of course everyone believes to know the answers of how to best give the alcoholic help. But from experience, I found that the reality of living with an alcoholic is very different than the theory.One approach does not fit all. We have to be comfortable with the choices and decisions we make when giving the alcoholic help. Theories and opinions of others do not necessarily help us fall asleep at night if they go against what we believe or are willing to do in helping the alcoholic spouse or husband. In fact, these theories and opinions can be detrimental if they are given as absolutes, or if they judge or victimize the person trying to help the alcoholic husband or spouse.

The following are some suggestions I found helpful from people who have struggled with an alcoholic husband or spouse. Like myself, not everyone can be thrown into the codependent or enabler category simply because they refuse to give up or leave the alcoholic.

I believe that understanding the dynamics underlying the alcoholic behavior will help the family or friends support and challenge the alcoholic to move on to a better life.

There are two aspects of change necessary for the alcoholic husband or alcoholic spouse:

1) There must be a desire to change.

2) There must be a belief that the change will positively impact their life.

1) The desire to change includes...

- A focus on the positives of the person struggling with alcohol. Why? Because the alcoholic already knows their life is a mess. What they don't know is if they have the ability to climb out of this mess.

- An improved self-confidence, as self-esteem is an issue here. The alcoholic husband or spouse doubts their ability to handle life situations. If they doubt they can survive the stress of life without their crutch (alcohol), then they are not going to give it up and will be resistant to any alcoholic help you may try to give.

- Moving away from dwelling on negative consequences of drinking. We often like to overemphasize the negative consequences the alcoholic husband or spouse is going to experience if they continue using alcohol. We throw statements at them like: "You are going to end up in jail" or "You are destroying your body". They already know this. What they don't know is if they have the inner capabilities to avoid these negative consequences.

An important point here is that the alcoholic compensates for their feelings of inadequacy, fear and helplessness by drinking. To constantly remind them of the negative consequences does not find a solution or way for them to regain control of their fear and helplessness in a healthy manner. You may wonder how destroying their life even more with alcohol helps them regain control? Here it is: Alcohol use is often comforting in a sense that using is predictable and consistent. What? No matter what is going on in life, the alcoholic spouse or husband knows they can assert their "will" or control through their use of alcohol. It's their perception. They may not like the pain alcohol causes them, but at least they know what to expect. They are miserable, but without alcohol they would not know how to cope. The fear of the unknown is greater than the pain of drinking.

Self-esteem may be confused with sobriety. The alcoholic husband or spouse may not regain an instant positive self-image simply by becoming sober. Self-esteem needs to be associated with more than particular actions. Otherwise a belief occurs that if I do such and such then I am a good person and I will remain sober. This can get the alcoholic in trouble if they do the proper actions and don't get the right response (sobriety). Instead, start emphasizing that personal worth is present when the alcoholic believes it is because they are alive and have every capability to thrive and succeed.

2) The belief that the change will positively impact their life includes:

- Proper support and peer groups. This is important that support is present. Remember we all rise or fall to the expectation of our peers. If someone using alcohol does not seem to be changing for the better, I'll bet it is because they do not see any significant personal life benefits or improvement.

This goes to their perception of what life improvement means, but it also has to do with realistic life situations. Are the alcoholic's current goals and values in line with what they want their life to be about? If not, they need to be revisited. Do they need to look for better employment? Change the crowd they hang out with? Often we become concerned when someone wants to drop out of school or change jobs. Make sure the motive is good, but find out what they really desire and value in life. Maybe they are telling you they have a better idea and path for their life. Explore the options and motivations for what the alcoholic wants their life to be about.

- Giving dignity to the alcoholic spouse or husband by allowing them to own their problem. We sometimes assume that someone who overuses alcohol is incompetent or unable to decide for themselves what options they need. They know. They are just too unsure of themselves and afraid to act on these options. Think about it, if they currently use alcohol they are already telling you they are not happy with current life situations. Help them find and explore the right ones.

- Understanding the alcoholics immediate needs. Whatever the alcoholic believes is impairing their life situation needs to be explored. I have made the mistake of trying to motivate change in someone while ignoring the fact that they have nowhere to live and not enough money to eat on. Be practical and realistic with how you help. Don't just throw out ideas. Set practical goals for the specific needs of the individual.

So What can We do To Give The Alcoholic Help?

- We must empower the individual struggling with alcohol. We do this by taking away all the excuses the alcoholic spouse or husband may have to why they cannot stop drinking. As we have seen, the alcoholic will have many of these excuses. But, the bottom line is that they do not believe they have the necessary personal resources to overcome their drinking.

- Self-confidence is the key. Find and emphasize the alcoholics talents. I do not believe someone who struggles with alcohol is weak willed or spiritually deprived. Their wills have taken them places no one else would want to go. If they wanted to drink they found a way to do it. Use this strength to re-focus them and give the alcoholic help.

- Their spirituality is normally quit strong inside them. They are searching for something, a meaning. Help the alcoholic develop and find this meaning. Victor Frankl wrote that if you give a person purpose and meaning, they will find a way through anything no matter how hopeless it seems. Even atheists believe in something, even if it is life itself.

- For every choice to use alcohol, there is an alternative choice also available. The alcoholic husband or spouse may have forgotten this part. The alternative choice will most likely impact the problem more directly to resolve it and not further its existence. Fear may enter here, for it is scary to take on responsibility. The alcoholic spouse or husband may have avoided responsibility like the plague. But when they finally realize that their control comes from responsible choices, they are more willing to attempt it. The key is when they can see how choosing the responsible choice will positively impact their life situation. When life situations can't be seen as improving, change will be hard fought.

- No one truly enjoys their drinking behavior. They don't drink because they "like it". Think back to the first few times you drank. The taste was awful and it most likely made you sick. No one I have ever encountered formed their desire to use after the first drink. It took some work.

- Make sure goals are clear and achievable. The alcoholic husband or spouse must develop a clear vision and plan of what they want and who they want to be. This is most important, for through their use of alcohol most have lost sight of the dreams and goals they once had. Remind them. Most healthy people look at the world as their playground. The alcoholic looks at the world as their prison. Help them find the key.

- Avoid cleaning up their mess. Don't get involved with the blame game. Alcoholics are real good at this. They can twist any situation to support their misery. Let choices and consequences be theirs. This way there is no one to blame but themselves.

- Let them know that it is OK to feel. Most alcoholics don't know how to do this. Teach them. To them, feelings are the enemy and have to be avoided. Feelings come and go and feelings will not kill you. It's how you respond to them that matters.

- Fear is at the root of all problem drinking. Get the alcoholic spouse or husband to tackle one of these fears head on and they gain some ground. Build on these small successes so they can start to see their innate abilities to change.

- Get them out of their heads! There is no destructive force in the world greater than an alcoholics self-centered thinking. Mental illness has been defined as perceiving without testing. We perceive according to the stories we tell ourselves in our heads. It does not matter the reality of these stories. They are how we see the world. The alcoholic husband or spouse has such a selfish view (story) that if they are left in their own heads, there is little chance of positive change. What works well here is to have the alcoholic help out others. If they are thinking of someone else, they will not be thinking of themselves. There is no greater fulfillment in the world than one who truly gives to another and expects nothing in return. Teach them to give.

- Perhaps the most dangerous idea in the treatment field is the phrase "You have to do it for yourself". Who do you think the alcoholic spouse or husband has been serving all this time? His family and friends? No, themselves. Get them out of their heads! Teach them to help others. Help them find their vision and meaning!

- Motives drive an addiction. Teach them to examine the motives behind their drinking behavior. Most of their motives will be fear based. Remember their drinking is their attempt to control an internal feeling of fear and helplessness. A good rule of thumb in checking motives to a behavior is to ask, "Will this hurt or harm myself or others?" If the answer is yes, then difficulties lie ahead. Behaviors with fear as their motive will only result in self-protecting behavior. They will not focus on a solution to a problem and will not satisfy.

- Fear and guilt do little to help the alcoholic abstain from alcohol! Most professionals focus on the negative consequences as a reason to abstain from alcohol. This is the wrong approach. The alcoholic already knows, or has experienced the negative consequences associated with drinking. This has not hindered their use. They may cut down for a while after experiencing a negative consequence only to resume normal use as time goes on. This is because alcoholics do not like to live in fear. They want to escape it. Guilt is the same thing. Alcoholics want to avoid it. Fear and guilt focus on the problem not the solution. Teach the alcoholic husband or spouse to focus on the solution. This is done by having them see that change occurs when they focus their life on something other than drinking.

- Don't define them as "in recovery" or by "sober time". This is a focus on the problem. When the alcoholic husband or spouse realize they can handle stress in life, not because they are "sober" or "in recovery" but because they are alive and equipped with the ability to do so, alcohol will be irrelevant. They choose the right way because it is simply right for them, not because they fear the consequences. This may be difficult for them to see at first until they clarify their goals and who they want to be.

Living With an Alcoholic Husband Or Spouse? How to Give the Alcoholic Help

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How Should I Divorce My Alcoholic Husband?

Alcoholism has always caused more trouble than good to mankind. Though many people drink alcohol, only a few get themselves drunk and go beyond the limits. Limited consumption is good for the health, especially in countries affected by extreme cold. Every person should know their limits. Alcoholism is one of the major factors to have broken many homes and marital relationships. The drunken male loses control over his emotions and reactions and therefore indulges in domestic violence and abuses his family members, especially the wife, fueling turbulence in the relationships. If you are the wife of a man who drinks too often and loses control, you need to know how to handle the situation and only in extreme cases, learn how to divorce your husband.

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Understand that you are not the lone sufferer in the world and there are many ladies around the world who suffer similar problems either due to alcoholic, drug or substance abuse. Many ladies just bear the brunt all along their lives thinking of their children and family situations. Divorce is not the only feasible solution to this problem. Understand the various genuine reasons that have forced your husband to drink. If he is just a social drinker drinking once in month or so only during business meetings and social gatherings and stays within limits, then there should not be a problem. Extreme drinking habits may be the outcome of some psychological weaknesses or emotional problems as a result of stressed childhood or an environment in with enough bad company. Discuss openly with him about the pain that he causes to you due to his drinking offers and offer him a solution. If he is ready to take up professional medical or psychological support to cure this, then your marriage is saved. If he is still not able to resolve this, then for the good of both of you and your children, it is advisable to part ways and live your own lives.

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How Should I Divorce My Alcoholic Husband?

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7 Tips to Stand Up to Your Alcoholic Husband

Are you living with an alcoholic husband? Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of? A number of women I treat in this position feel like a doormat and their self-esteem suffers each time they put up with the extreme selfishness of a spouse that is deep in his addiction.

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I am a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction and I understand what spouses endure when living with an alcoholic.

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Here is one of my recent cases:

H.Z. is 58 years old and has been married for 20 years. Her first husband was an alcoholic. She left him and took their 2 young kids with her. He had been very successful and then lost everything. Her second husband drank often. He also was very successful. He became clean and sober only when she threatened to leave him and he was able to maintain his sobriety for 5 years.

However, he started drinking thinking he could control his consumption. His drinking became progressively worse. He started coming home late. At times, he did not come home at all. He ignored her phone calls and her texts. They fought over his drinking. He would respond, "Is that all you care about?". Over time, H.Z. became quite depressed and her husband chose to be around her less and less. She started feeling worthless as her husband treated her "lower than dirt" (as she put it). However, she put up with this terrible treatment.

What could H. Z. have done? Here are 7 tips to stand up to your alcoholic husband:

1) Talk to your alcoholic spouse about his drinking only when he is sober. Talk in a calm manner and tell him you will be making changes in your own life because you can not depend on him to quit drinking alcohol.

2) Reach out and start developing a support system. Call friends that you have been afraid to open up to and tell them the truth about your situation. Go to Al- Anon meetings and get support from other women who have gone through similar situations.

3) Find a therapist and start working on your own codependency issues. If you can not afford individual therapy, find a therapist that does group therapy.

4) If you have not worked in a long time, get a part time job to ease back into the work world and put yourself on a track not to be 100% financially dependent on your alcoholic husband.

5) Consider going back to school and retraining in an area that will ultimately land you a good job.

6) Get your kids some help because they are growing up in an alcoholic family which leads to life-long issues. Find a therapist, school counselor, or even send them to teen-anon. Betty Ford has an excellent program for younger children in several different cities.

7) Consider a separation if you have tried these things and your life has not improved.

Bottom line: You are the only one that can change your situation. You deserve a great life. Be proactive and your situation will improve.

Remember: It is up to you, not up to him.

7 Tips to Stand Up to Your Alcoholic Husband

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My Husband Is An Alcoholic

It doesn't matter if you are dealing with a husband, child, grandparent or parent who is an alcoholic, it is very difficult. They are on a destructive path of which we want to save them from. We obsess over what they are doing all of the time and we live with the fear of the future. There is help available for your situation.

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Our entire life somehow seems to revolve around everything that the problem drinker is doing. How did things get so complicated? There was a time when it seemed like everything was fine. Then, suddenly we became totally obsessed with everything the alcoholic is or is not doing.

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Here's where the difficulty is when there's one alcoholic in a marriage. We vowed that we would be one. Two of us joined our lives together; now one of us is on a pathway to hell and back and we don't know what to do. We feel it is our duty to save them, the family and the marriage. The truth is..you are not one anymore. He is in love with the bottle more intimately than he is in love with you.

There's nothing that we can do when our husband is an alcoholic to make him quit. We can learn how to set boundaries and let go of his behavior, but as far as making him quit drinking, it cannot be done. We have no control over what someone else chooses to do.

It is disheartening to think that they do not love us as much as they do getting drunk. This is just the reality of what life is like when we are married to an alcoholic husband. The beer and the bottle always come before relationships with spouses.

An addict only thinks about where their next fix will come from...that's it! As much as we want our alcoholic husbands to be attracted to us more than alcohol, it never happens unless they get sober.

So, what is it that wives can do? Well, for starters, I would strongly suggest getting involved in some kind of support group meeting. Preferably one specifically designed for family members of alcoholics. One such program is called Al-anon.

With the support group members help, you will be able to let go, set boundaries and detach from the destructive behaviors of your alcoholic husband. You will learn how to love him without a bunch of conditions. You can also begin to enjoy things in life that you want to do even if he is still drinking or not.

There are hundreds of methods that I know of for dealing with alcoholics. I learned them from people who know how to cope with these types of relationships. There's just no way in a five hundred word article to tell you how to deal with an alcoholic husband other than directing you to a support group.

These are the foundational things you need to learn:
How to set boundaries How to detach with love How to stop obsessing over the alcoholics behaviors How to communicate with them How to life your life and be happy again How to let go of them How to love them unconditionallyLiving with an alcoholic husband is really frustrating. Life doesn't have to be so awful for you though. You really can begin to enjoy your life while living with and being married to your alcoholic husband. Your first step in making changes is to walk into a meeting designed to help friends and family members of alcoholics.

My Husband Is An Alcoholic

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My Husband Will Die From End Stage Liver Disease Unless He Can Get a Liver Transplant

Liver disease, is not talked about a lot in the societies of today very often. It is a quiet killer with many symptoms. Statistically, liver is rapidly increasing in today's world as a ruthless fatal disease due to our diets and lifestyles.

Liver disease can be caused by many different things. Some of which are drinking alcohol, abusing drugs, using too much Tylenol, hepatitis, obesity, and many other reasons.

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Liver disease can kill you, if not treated early and properly. Regular blood work can show if the liver is functioning well or not. You should always ask your doctor to routinely check your liver function.

A very healthy diet, abstaining from drinking alcohol, and exercise promote good liver function.

Symptoms depend on the type and the extent of liver disease. In many cases, there may be no symptoms at all, or you may have some or all of these symptoms. Darkened urine, due to high bilirubin, nausea, loss of appetite, unusual weight loss or weight gain, vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain in the upper right part of the stomach.

Other sympstoms are, a feeling of illness, enlarged blood vessels in the abdomen ( portal hypertension), fatigue, or low blood sugar. Muscle aches and pains, loss of sex drive, jaundice, light coloration of stools, bloating and distention of the abdomen.

Symptoms of liver disease, as you can see, mimic a lot of other illnesses and diseases, and vice versa.

In Alcoholic liver disease, which is what my husband has, there are four stages. Stage one is a fatty liver, stage 2 is alcoholic hepatitis, stage 3 is liver fibrosis, and stage 4 is cirrhosis, and sometimes cancer of the liver.

My husband's symptoms of alcoholic liver disease were very subtle at first, and they had mimicked the flu, being tired, sleepiness, heart trouble, obesity, muscle pain and weakness upon exertion, and foggyness due to depression.

My husband was a heavy drinker for several years. He quit on his own after a doctor told him that he had moderate cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor warned him that he might die in a few years if he did not stop drinking. At that time he was diagnosed with fatty liver, Barrett's Esophagus, portal hypertension, and sluggish kidneys.

The specialist advised my husband to lose weight, to slow down the disease. He went from drinking too much alcohol, to overeating his favorite foods, which are hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and sweets. He seemed to replace his alcohol addiction with unhealthy food choices. We now know that his kind of food adds to the destruction of the liver as well.

Now it is three years later, and last week he was given the diagnosis of stage 4 cirrhosis. It came on so quickly!

He has been having some of the symptoms for the last few years and we really were not aware of how bad his disease had gotten. He had gradually begun gaining a lot of weight, and he became very swollen in his feet, legs, and abdomen. We just thought this had been due to his poor diet.

Then he suddenly developed symptoms of encephalopathy, (swelling of the brain due to toxins in the brain), a few weeks ago, and he was hospitalized just in time. It was very frightening to see him so very ill. He does not remember anything about the first twenty four hours of going there. He was talking out of critically ill. He became incoherent, and unaware of how sick he was. He stayed in the hospital for a few days until they stabilized him. Then he was sent home with medications and it was up to me to care for him unless he became acute again.

At the hospital he was then referred to a new liver specialist as an out patient. When we saw the specialist, he was straight with us, and told us that John now had stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver. He informed us my husband would need to lose 100 lbs in 6 months to become qualified to get on the liver transplant list.

Now he has to try to lose weight, most of which is water, stay with a special, very strict liver diet. He is to take 7 1/2 water pills a day, and large doses of Lactulose, (a medicine to rid his body of high ammonia levels through the bowels), to help prevent the brain from swelling.

I was inspired to write such an article due to my husband getting this terrible disease from drinking heavily for many years. Warn your friends and loved ones to beware of the causes of liver disease, and also its many symptoms.

There are many sites to visit about these subjects on the internet.

Here are a couple: http://www.medicinenet.com/liver_disease/article.htm

http://www.webmd.com/search/search_results/default.aspx?query=liver%20disease&sourceType=undefined

My Husband Will Die From End Stage Liver Disease Unless He Can Get a Liver Transplant

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