At times it seems hopeless when coping with an addict. An alcoholic can turn our lives upside down if we allow them to. It's important for us to learn how to detach, but to also be able to detach with love. It is equally important to know how to set boundaries to protect ourselves from the negative effects the problem drinker can have on our lives. Finding a healthy balance between loving the alcoholic and hating the addiction takes time.
When coping with dysfunctional situations we can easily find ourselves loosing control of our emotions, thoughts and the words that come out of our mouths. I want to specifically focus on how we can better control what we say to the problem drinker. It's OK to have a bad thought, but when we react by saying things that are mean and degrading, then we have to deal with a flood of negative emotions.
ALCOHOLIC
There is a three step process that works really well when an alcoholic does or says something to get me upset. Here's what I do. I shut up, step back and smile. After doing all three, I then take a moment to analyze if what I have to say should even leave the lips of my mouth.
The way I determine if I should respond to the thought that I am having is I run it through a filter that works like this. I ask myself three questions. Is what I have to say necessary, is it kind or is it true? If the thought doesn't pass the test, then it never leaves my lips.
If we truly want to love an alcoholic, this is one of the most effective ways of coping with the difficult things they say to us. By not blasting them out of the water with a flood of anger, three things will happen. We will argue less, experience less guilt and not have to cope with feelings of shame because of something awful we said.
Now these tips need to be integrated with understanding that an alcoholic is really very ill with an addiction. They would not normally act or do many of the offensive things that they do if they were not wrapped up in their daily habit of getting blasted. If we can learn to have compassion on the person and hate the addiction rather than the addict, then we stand a chance of coping with an alcoholic in a loving manner.
Now, I am not saying in any way that we should just accept everything they say or do because they are ill. We still need to incorporate boundaries to protect ourselves from the destructive things they say and do. Here's the key though, we need to learn how to set boundaries in a loving way. As we learn how to have more control over the things we say, we can then say what we mean to the alcoholic without saying it in a mean way.
Coping with an alcoholic in a loving way is something that takes time to master. We have to learn how to do this from people who actively use methods that work. What I have shared with you is only a drop in the bucket compared to all that I know on this subject. It has taken me many years and several thousand support group meetings to learn how to effectively cope with an alcoholic in a loving way.
Ways of Coping With an Alcoholic in a Loving Manner ALCOHOLIC
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